What Happened?

I know I promised myself to write more again. I know I keep on breaking that promise. So many things have been happening and have happened, where do I even begin?

I guess the gist of it is I had been going through some sort of big metamorphosis in life. The past year had been challenging for me professionally and business-wise. 

After having Hunter and almost at the same time opening a physical store, so many demands in my life made some things take a backseat. Sadly these were the things that brought me so much joy and affirmation as an individual.

It came to a point that I felt I had been neglecting myself physically. I don’t primp up as much as I used to, wearing frumpy clothes and going out with a style that best describes as “I-don’t-give-a-f*ck.”

One clear thing about me for people, who have known me for years, is that I gained weight. At times that I may forget about this issue with all the busy demands in life and someone will most graciously point out the obvious to me. Thank you. =/

I really want to do something about it but I guess being a person who loves control and very exacting with my ways---eating, stress-eating to be more exact is the only time I can let go. 

Food has become some sort of addiction. It has become an emotional aspect for me: food is for celebration, for boredom, for bonding… for comfort.

I got to a point where I was at my heaviest I have ever been in life. I suddenly missed my old self, more than about the weight but my old self who takes care of me. My old self who went on health diets and morning walks when feeling so much had been going on. I haven’t seen her for a very long time.

I’ve always thought I can do this, I can take more, give me more to the point that it went up to my eyeballs and I was drowning.

The momentum at the start was great. Things had been great. But I guess throughout the years, my success made me take bigger risks, bigger bites that in the end I was going too fast, too furious. I was running so fast while thinking, where am I going? Is this really where I want to go? Is there a point to all these? Is it really worth it?

Paolo and I were talking the past few weeks. Discussing my next steps--- is it time to slow down? Is it time to take another turn? After taking into consideration all the pros and cons and getting into lengthy discussions, it dawned to me that I should only be asking myself one thing: Am I still happy doing what I do?

I removed all the loud noises both environmentally and internally. I used to listen to music or watch/listen to documentaries while working. I decided to try a week of just being very silent and not turning on anything while working and reflect on what I was doing. I highly recommend doing this. I realized I suddenly could hear my thoughts more clearly.  I like to think this is a way of praying and God talking to me.  Those small little moments gave way to little new dreams.

Now I am at a comfortable pace. I am not yet entirely at that speed where I want but I think I’m getting there.

What am I trying to convey with all these Kumbaya? That we have to trust the process; we have to believe that a certain level of discomfort is necessary in any metamorphosis, in any change. 

 When you remove your hands from all unnecessary burden, you become lighter and open to grasp more things that truly matter. Sometimes what makes us hold on to toxic things in our life is the level of familiarity they bring us and familiarity though how toxic it may be--- is comforting.

Endings are sad but I will always believe in what they entail: new beginnings.