Mama Musings

“That’s why I don’t do that.”

The one line that annoys the hell out of me. One of my biggest pet peeves is logging in any social network and seeing people sharing links about studies and the likes proving (in their minds) an opinion is a fact.  Posting links about latest studies of how the newest tech proves to fry your baby’s brain then peppering it with the clincher: “That’s why I don’t do this with my child.”

Every time I see this, I cringe then automatically think they are trying to convince themselves more than other people. How I talk to my son (in English), let him use tech gadgets and occasionally give him chicken nuggets and sugared juice (horrors!) are none of your business.

I spend quite some time researching about the latest line of lipsticks of my favorite brand. How much more about the merits of breastfeeding or giving organic food to my child? 

I breastfed Hunter until he was over a year old. I breastfed him exclusively until he was 8 months. As much as I am a breastfeeding advocate and encourage friends and family to breastfeed, I don’t find it necessary to post photos of my freshly expressed milk in anybody’s newsfeed for them to admire and behold with the caption Yes I am a Superwoman—I make milk.

Sometimes you question the purpose of people doing this---is it really for advocacy or a chance to wave a badge of honor about something that is supposed to be natural?
I do appreciate the purpose of it. You post photos to encourage other women: "if I can do this, you can too." But what about those who think otherwise? What about those who think, "if she can do it and I can't, what is wrong with me? I'm not giving my child the best."

There is a fine line between being informative and being pushy. Not all women who don’t breastfeed choose to. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out---and that is also natural. And no one should make any mother feel they are giving less to their child just because they took a different path.

Other people’s pride may be a source of encouragement for others but a little bit more than that and it goes beyond giving support or hope. Our standard becomes mandatory and when it is not met a sense of failure and superiority is established.

Unsolicited advice is a surprise gift that not everybody likes to receive. Instead of being holier-than-thou blasting off other people’s choices, just share what worked for you. Instead of using “That’s why I don’t do that with my child,” use “This is what’s working for me” advice.

It is ok to share ideas, opinions and your new discoveries but doing it to establish you are doing the right thing is just a bit off. No need to defend what you do by "sharing" studies that support your choices. It is a desperate way of showing you are doing a good job---while making other mommies feel they are not.  

Please leave the caption at “Studies show that Ipad radiation proves to fry your children’s brains and make them zombies by age 14.” Please for the love of pete, do not under any circumstances smugly add a totally unwarranted “That’s why I gave my child a yoyo instead of an Ipad.” Just no.

       Photo from celebbabylaundry.com

Mommy bullies are everywhere. For what it's worth, I think we all are at some point in our lives. It is a learning process, this motherhood thing. Sometimes I have to step back and breath in, breath out remind myself that albeit a bit too forceful they mean well. We all need assurance and encouragement and sometimes the lines are blurred when we are dishing out our truths. Maybe they are also reassuring themselves about their own choices.
 But truth of the matter is, there is no one formula. We can only take it one day at a time, learn, pray and try our best in each situation and hopefully our children turn out to be healthy, happy adults who are strong, open and who can think for themselves without imposing their beliefs on others.