Eulogy/ Last letter to my Nanay

My Nanay,

I always like to claim I was your favorite. Ako ang paboritong apo. It was an ongoing joke na pinanindigan ko na at pinaniwalaan na totoo. Ever since I was small I would cry every time you leave. The highlights of my childhood weekends were being with you, your hugs and Juicy Fruit gum. Everyone close to me knows for a fact that I was and still am, a lola’s girl through and through.

But the truth is, you did not have a favorite. That was your magic, Nanay. You made us feel like we were all your favorite. Each time spent with your apo was a special one. 

You made each one of us feel that we were the favorite at that moment alone with you. 

You only talked about us, about our dreams and plans as well as lessons you liked to impart. You never compared, never pitted our love against each other, it was never a competition. Your heart and love was so big enough to accommodate ALL OF US. 

You belonged to all of us.

My cousins and I had renewed our bond and became closer the past few days, united in grief. The past days all we talk about are memories of you and Tatay and funny and beautiful anecdotes of the past, the Calumpit we knew and our childhood. But for me the brightest recollections are your last years. 

Ironically, this situation is both a source of sadness yet at the same time, comfort to me. 

I am more than fortunate to be the apo to have been with you during your last years and days here on Earth and as I saw you slowly fading, the love only grew more vivid. 

When you are little your grandparents can do no wrong. They are the epitome of goodness and righteousness and as you get older, you realize they are as human as any of us. With the same dreams, regrets, heartaches and weaknesses.

When you are little you are cloaked in the arrogance of thinking the older people’s lives revolved around you not realizing they had been young once, who have known and loved other people before you. The past few years, your mind and recall were fast declining that you only remembered more the memories of your younger years. What a gift it was for me! To hear your stories and memories of a long time ago before us and to have a glimpse of your past we have never known earlier.

You have taught me so much, even more so during these last years. But more than the lessons, one thing that will stay with me forever is to yearn to love as you do: to yearn so much with ache for your loved ones’ presence but be understanding and big enough to let them go, let them live their lives and share in their dreams.

I would always hear you crying out missing each of us but with the same breath give thanks to how your children and grandchildren have all succeeded and live such beautiful lives. But all this is because we started with you. Thank you, Nanay.

We start and end with family. You started everything for all of us, you and Tatay.

You were never alone, Nanay. You were loved and still loved immeasurably by each one of us. 

Our last day two months ago was one of the most beautiful and now, memorable days of my life. It was a bittersweet goodbye, it was my last day in the Philippines before leaving for the other side of the world permanently but you were pleasant and not anxious the whole day. This was a rare occurrence these past few months. If anyone could imagine a most ideal last day with their loved one, it was that day. I had that day with you. Thank you; what a gift you have given me.

Our last day together 

Grief is measured by the depth of love. As much as we celebrate your life and comforted by the belief that you are now with God, Tatay and the people that you have loved first before we all came into your lives, I would still like to acknowledge the pain brought by your passing. It only attests how much you have loved and how much you are loved.

My Nanay, I will see you in every beautiful garden and hear you in every bird that sings. My heart will never be the same but it only means because it feels such deep sorrow for it has known such great affection.

I love you very much, forever and beyond. Goodnight, my dear Nanay. 

Ang Isa Sa Paborito Mong Apo,

Isabel

2017!!!

For the last 9 years I had been blogging here, posting about the New Year is one thing I never miss.
Life has been very busy. I rarely post these days and share about the things that happen in my life but it has been busier, noisier, demanding and happier than ever before. So that's one resolution right there: post more about the things happenning NOW that I can look back in the future.

Our Holidays this year had been pretty subdued compared to our past holiday breaks. We just stayed in different hotels for all the weekends of December. This had been a quiet celebration--- but a happy one because of our growing family and this little guy here who just added to the group last 2016.

My highlight of 2016

Everyone says 2016 had been a crazy year and we are no exception but I can't for the life of me say it had been a bad year for me because it was the time my Pax came into our lives. Pax's arrival alone makes up for all the bumps we encountered in our family in 2016.

This year, we are focused more on resting and reevaluating and just savoring lives and each other. The past two years had been harried and frantic and I can honestly say, there is a small period this year where I would let the dust settle in before we get going again.

Hopeful for the year ahead. ❤

Our Patch

Oh wow, two months flew by. This by far is the most amazing, challenging, frustrating and fulfilling time of my life. All the emotions mixed in such a short time. Having Hunter the first time was by far easier than this second time. I breezed through everything and felt I was able to adjust quite well and fast easily. Paxton’s arrival was a bit of a rollercoaster with me giving birth without my husband and an epidural. Although it was hands-down more challenging--- I could honestly say Paxton’s story coming into my life is as beautiful and as memorable as it could possibly be--- because aside from receiving another biggest gift that is my son, I was able to go beyond my perceived limits. I was able to see how strong I am and how much more I can BE. 

I remember in college talking about “tabula rasa” in one’s personality at birth. It stuck with me and through the years I was able to come to a conclusion that it’s not so much on the “nurture” aspect but the “nature” of the person that ultimately defines his life. We all have little personalities and temperaments from the very beginning.  The “nurture” aspect that affects our personality is dependent on that “nature” one already has.

My prayer has always been this--- to be the kind of wife and mother my family needs.  Although I know I have strong beliefs and values as a mother that defines my parenting style, I can see now that I have to adjust what will work with each child.

My boys "meeting" for the first time-- I love this photo of us. So real and happy.

Paxton and Hunter couldn’t be more different as babies--- that much I can tell in two months. My little Pax is a bit of a chubby fireball. He is so healthy and strong and came out howling as if announcing his entry to the world. He still “howls” every now and then. =) 

Hunter on the left at two and a half months and Paxton, my chubby teddy bear on the right filling up the suit at six weeks.

My boys loving my favorite season---Fall

Hunter’s arrival was uneventful, fast and relatively easy. Paxton’s birth was the opposite. I thought it will be so much easier the second time around but like every child is different---every birth is different as well.

I could still feel the needle going in when I was getting stitched up. I have always known I have a really high tolerance for pain. I’m one of those pregnant women who go around doing normal things until the very last minute. In both pregnancies, I went to the hospital already in labor and ready to give birth. I arrived at the hospital the first time with Hunter at ten thirty in the morning and gave birth before five in the afternoon.

Paxton was even speedier than his kuya. I arrived at midnight and gave birth not even three hours after. Hours before that I was still laughing, having dinner and a boba drink with my family while monitoring my contractions at the same time. =/

I never thought I could give birth without epidural and anesthesia although my pain tolerance is high.  I remember reading my pocketbooks and thinking thank God I was born this time where there are more medical advancement and epidural in particular. Not knowing that I would experience one of the most excruciating physical pains in the world. I would always look back with both disbelief and amazement and more respect for women before me who had to go through that.

They say you get superpowers when you become a mom---and I can attest to that. But I think it’s not so much because of the superpowers that make one do seemingly impossible things but the super yet natural and unconditional love you feel for these little creatures that you help bring into this world.

Every night after I feed Pax and both boys drift into sleep and I’m left exhausted but unable to sleep, I just look at my children and watch them sleep as all mothers do. I keep reminding myself, these will pass; Someday these will just be memories. They wouldn’t know the little details like how I watch dateline nonstop late at night to be able to keep myself up to give them MY best and finish some work to the bigger more poignant parts like how much their father’s heart ached to be so far away from us to give his boys the best.

 They wouldn’t know first-hand but we would as parents and these stories are like little patches wherein a family is a quilt. It is what makes the whole—these little patches of memories, moments and stories we make at each time in our lives. It feels so physically draining but spiritually fulfilling.

I remember my sister Hazel always saying how much she loves this season in our lives. How she can fit all her three boys in her arms at the same time and how needed she is by her children--- I feel the same way about this patch in our quilt.

Six weeks after Pax's arrival-- we are easing into our new lives quite well.

My Paxton Ezra--August 28, 2016

Welcome to our lives, my little one. You are so loved.

Letter to My Firstborn

Enjoying his last days as an only child.

Dear Hunter,

I felt the need to write you a letter to let you know how much I love you. I know I tell you that everyday but I am compelled to remind you now even more since our lives will change, most especially yours in a few days time.

Soon you won’t be the only child—Maybe a fact that you won’t even remember since you are only four years old – but I would and as a mother I am hardwired never to forget.

Firstborns are always special. There are two births with a firstborn—that of a child and that of a mother. I like to think we took this journey together.

I gave birth to you but in turn YOU gave me the role that I cherish the most in life---a Mother.

Everything was new with you. We are growing together, and now that I will have another child in my arms, know that love doesn’t run out--- the heart only gets bigger.

I am excited to see you as a Kuya because as early as now, I see how caring and loving you are to other babies.  Even though at times, you can get a little testy with your Manu-spot, you are always loving and protective.  =)

People tell me how kind, laidback and good you are that you took so much after your Papa. At times I would half-jokingly say, it is really because of me; because I like to think I guide and teach you well as a parent. But I realize as I get to know you even more, IT’S ALL YOU, and it is your nature. 

I pray that you grow up and we will be able to develop these traits even more to help you in life.

You are patient, laidback, gentle and introspective. They say firstborn sons are strong and proud --- natural leaders.
But I see you more as a Rouge wolf, neither a leader nor a follower.

You march at your own beat, always surprising and overwhelming us especially at times we are not expecting more than what you can deliver.

Late and barely 2 weeks in school, you were able to memorize a song and dance sequence to be included in the school program.

Much to my delight, this was one of my biggest discoveries I had with you--- that you love Music with such passion I don’t normally see with kids your age. You learn songs so easily and sing without qualms. I pray that we always discover these little hidden gems in your personality so we can always support the person you are meant to be—and not the one we wished you to be.

You are so much like your Papa and that although I begrudgingly admit, is something I really, really love.

You have his quiet perseverance, his sincere gentleness that draws people in, your being able to be with friends as easily as being on your own for hours on end, your being expressive not with words but with gestures, cuddles and hugs—Oh how I live for those.

And now I will be getting even more of those with your brother.  My arms will be full, at times I won’t be able to hold you as much as before. But what you will be “losing” from mama’s time, you will be gaining so much more with a lifelong friend and ally.

Having siblings is one of the best things in life, believe me.  Having my sisters and brother gives me one of the biggest securities in life.  I wish, hope and pray you will have the same relationship.

You will never be alone, you will always have someone to stand by your side, to learn about life—most especially about those things, we as parents won’t be able to teach you--- things that can only be learned by experience. You will have someone to walk with you. In turn, be that brother to each other that one would wish to have.

I love you so much, Hunter, my son, my firstborn. I can’t wait for this new chapter in our lives. I may not have been the best with you, I was still learning as a new mom but you will always be the one I have loved first and will love the longest time.

Mama

New Adventure!

Proud to say he is so good with long-haul flights! 

So we are back in Illinois with family. I feel that I am at my element surrounded by family and love which I especially need right now since we are having our second baby boy in a few weeks. We are beyond excited and although I’m at a homestretch I feel like I’m more relaxed with this pregnancy this time around.

One reason to come back as well is for Hunter to spend time with his cousins and grandparents. I love seeing him sooo happy here! He is becoming more active and loving the outdoors more.

Breakfast with Lolo

The cutest boy pile!

Always a fun time with his Snudgieboo

Loving Downtown

With his best bud, Enzo

We recently also started Homeschooling to ease his learning transition but we are definitely going back to trad school when things settle down. Although I must admit, I LOVE this homeschooling journey. 

I never thought I would enjoy it as much. In terms of the benefits, I can really see the advantages and Hunter’s development in just a short while--- a new entry post is due for this one.

Hunter's homeschooling corner

The hubby flew back to the other side of the world for work and projects while I took a break from business and running my shops. Although I still sell online, I feel like it’s the only one I can handle right now. 

I’m just enjoying time with my family--- being at my most Isabel element.

I always feel somewhat being on a “rehab” when I’m here with family. Being so far away most of the times, I tend to forget the small things that make me, ME.

I get caught up with responsibilities and most of the times, fitting in that I forget the simple things like how much I love lining my eyes to high heavens, primping myself, wearing too much accessories and being loud and carefree with people who love those things about me.

We miss you so much already

So many things coming up! I’m so excited. I really want to be active here again and document this exciting new chapter in my life for nothing more than to have something to look back on in the future.

Buckle up, Isabel. Another adventure is coming! =>

=*>