I know I promised myself to write more again. I know I keep
on breaking that promise. So many things have been happening and have happened,
where do I even begin?
I guess the gist of it is I had been going through some sort
of big metamorphosis in life. The past year had been challenging for me
professionally and business-wise.
After having Hunter and almost at the same
time opening a physical store, so many demands in my life made some things take
a backseat. Sadly these were the things that brought me so much joy and
affirmation as an individual.
It came to a point that I felt I had been neglecting myself
physically. I don’t primp up as much as I used to, wearing frumpy clothes and
going out with a style that best describes as “I-don’t-give-a-f*ck.”
One clear thing about me for people, who have known me for
years, is that I gained weight. At times that I may forget about this issue
with all the busy demands in life and someone will most graciously point out
the obvious to me. Thank you. =/
I really want to do something about it but I guess being a
person who loves control and very exacting with my ways---eating, stress-eating
to be more exact is the only time I can let go.
Food has become some sort of
addiction. It has become an emotional aspect for me: food is for celebration,
for boredom, for bonding… for comfort.
I got to a point where I was at my heaviest I have ever been
in life. I suddenly missed my old self, more than about the weight but my old
self who takes care of me. My old self who went on health diets and morning
walks when feeling so much had been going on. I haven’t seen her for a very
long time.
I’ve always thought I can do this, I can take more, give me
more to the point that it went up to my eyeballs and I was drowning.
The momentum at the start was great. Things had been great. But
I guess throughout the years, my success made me take bigger risks, bigger
bites that in the end I was going too fast, too furious. I was running so fast
while thinking, where am I going? Is this really where I want to go? Is there a
point to all these? Is it really worth it?
Paolo and I were talking the past few weeks. Discussing my
next steps--- is it time to slow down? Is it time to take another turn? After taking
into consideration all the pros and cons and getting into lengthy discussions,
it dawned to me that I should only be asking myself one thing: Am I still happy
doing what I do?
I removed all the loud noises both environmentally and
internally. I used to listen to music or watch/listen to documentaries while
working. I decided to try a week of just being very silent and not turning on
anything while working and reflect on what I was doing. I highly recommend
doing this. I realized I suddenly could hear my thoughts more clearly. I like to think this is a way of praying and
God talking to me. Those small little
moments gave way to little new dreams.
Now I am at a comfortable pace. I am not yet entirely at
that speed where I want but I think I’m getting there.
What am I trying to convey with all these Kumbaya? That we
have to trust the process; we have to believe that a certain level of
discomfort is necessary in any metamorphosis, in any change.
When you remove your hands from all unnecessary burden, you
become lighter and open to grasp more things that truly matter. Sometimes what
makes us hold on to toxic things in our life is the level of familiarity they
bring us and familiarity though how toxic it may be--- is comforting.
Endings are sad but I will always believe in what they
entail: new beginnings.
