What Happened?

I know I promised myself to write more again. I know I keep on breaking that promise. So many things have been happening and have happened, where do I even begin?

I guess the gist of it is I had been going through some sort of big metamorphosis in life. The past year had been challenging for me professionally and business-wise. 

After having Hunter and almost at the same time opening a physical store, so many demands in my life made some things take a backseat. Sadly these were the things that brought me so much joy and affirmation as an individual.

It came to a point that I felt I had been neglecting myself physically. I don’t primp up as much as I used to, wearing frumpy clothes and going out with a style that best describes as “I-don’t-give-a-f*ck.”

One clear thing about me for people, who have known me for years, is that I gained weight. At times that I may forget about this issue with all the busy demands in life and someone will most graciously point out the obvious to me. Thank you. =/

I really want to do something about it but I guess being a person who loves control and very exacting with my ways---eating, stress-eating to be more exact is the only time I can let go. 

Food has become some sort of addiction. It has become an emotional aspect for me: food is for celebration, for boredom, for bonding… for comfort.

I got to a point where I was at my heaviest I have ever been in life. I suddenly missed my old self, more than about the weight but my old self who takes care of me. My old self who went on health diets and morning walks when feeling so much had been going on. I haven’t seen her for a very long time.

I’ve always thought I can do this, I can take more, give me more to the point that it went up to my eyeballs and I was drowning.

The momentum at the start was great. Things had been great. But I guess throughout the years, my success made me take bigger risks, bigger bites that in the end I was going too fast, too furious. I was running so fast while thinking, where am I going? Is this really where I want to go? Is there a point to all these? Is it really worth it?

Paolo and I were talking the past few weeks. Discussing my next steps--- is it time to slow down? Is it time to take another turn? After taking into consideration all the pros and cons and getting into lengthy discussions, it dawned to me that I should only be asking myself one thing: Am I still happy doing what I do?

I removed all the loud noises both environmentally and internally. I used to listen to music or watch/listen to documentaries while working. I decided to try a week of just being very silent and not turning on anything while working and reflect on what I was doing. I highly recommend doing this. I realized I suddenly could hear my thoughts more clearly.  I like to think this is a way of praying and God talking to me.  Those small little moments gave way to little new dreams.

Now I am at a comfortable pace. I am not yet entirely at that speed where I want but I think I’m getting there.

What am I trying to convey with all these Kumbaya? That we have to trust the process; we have to believe that a certain level of discomfort is necessary in any metamorphosis, in any change. 

 When you remove your hands from all unnecessary burden, you become lighter and open to grasp more things that truly matter. Sometimes what makes us hold on to toxic things in our life is the level of familiarity they bring us and familiarity though how toxic it may be--- is comforting.

Endings are sad but I will always believe in what they entail: new beginnings.

So my mama left yesterday after a very brief vacay in Manila. I am still trying to get over my sadness of her leaving. I guess being so far away from them will always remind me from time to time how much I miss them and miss out on so many things. 

The last three weeks made me regress to my younger self, being cooked for and taken care of. 

I miss those times and its not even 48 hours since my mom left--- and I miss her even more.

I love you, Mama. I hope you had a great vacay. Counting the days until I can be with you again. 

See you soon, Lola

Mama Musings

“That’s why I don’t do that.”

The one line that annoys the hell out of me. One of my biggest pet peeves is logging in any social network and seeing people sharing links about studies and the likes proving (in their minds) an opinion is a fact.  Posting links about latest studies of how the newest tech proves to fry your baby’s brain then peppering it with the clincher: “That’s why I don’t do this with my child.”

Every time I see this, I cringe then automatically think they are trying to convince themselves more than other people. How I talk to my son (in English), let him use tech gadgets and occasionally give him chicken nuggets and sugared juice (horrors!) are none of your business.

I spend quite some time researching about the latest line of lipsticks of my favorite brand. How much more about the merits of breastfeeding or giving organic food to my child? 

I breastfed Hunter until he was over a year old. I breastfed him exclusively until he was 8 months. As much as I am a breastfeeding advocate and encourage friends and family to breastfeed, I don’t find it necessary to post photos of my freshly expressed milk in anybody’s newsfeed for them to admire and behold with the caption Yes I am a Superwoman—I make milk.

Sometimes you question the purpose of people doing this---is it really for advocacy or a chance to wave a badge of honor about something that is supposed to be natural?
I do appreciate the purpose of it. You post photos to encourage other women: "if I can do this, you can too." But what about those who think otherwise? What about those who think, "if she can do it and I can't, what is wrong with me? I'm not giving my child the best."

There is a fine line between being informative and being pushy. Not all women who don’t breastfeed choose to. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out---and that is also natural. And no one should make any mother feel they are giving less to their child just because they took a different path.

Other people’s pride may be a source of encouragement for others but a little bit more than that and it goes beyond giving support or hope. Our standard becomes mandatory and when it is not met a sense of failure and superiority is established.

Unsolicited advice is a surprise gift that not everybody likes to receive. Instead of being holier-than-thou blasting off other people’s choices, just share what worked for you. Instead of using “That’s why I don’t do that with my child,” use “This is what’s working for me” advice.

It is ok to share ideas, opinions and your new discoveries but doing it to establish you are doing the right thing is just a bit off. No need to defend what you do by "sharing" studies that support your choices. It is a desperate way of showing you are doing a good job---while making other mommies feel they are not.  

Please leave the caption at “Studies show that Ipad radiation proves to fry your children’s brains and make them zombies by age 14.” Please for the love of pete, do not under any circumstances smugly add a totally unwarranted “That’s why I gave my child a yoyo instead of an Ipad.” Just no.

       Photo from celebbabylaundry.com

Mommy bullies are everywhere. For what it's worth, I think we all are at some point in our lives. It is a learning process, this motherhood thing. Sometimes I have to step back and breath in, breath out remind myself that albeit a bit too forceful they mean well. We all need assurance and encouragement and sometimes the lines are blurred when we are dishing out our truths. Maybe they are also reassuring themselves about their own choices.
 But truth of the matter is, there is no one formula. We can only take it one day at a time, learn, pray and try our best in each situation and hopefully our children turn out to be healthy, happy adults who are strong, open and who can think for themselves without imposing their beliefs on others.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, My Hunter!

I can't believe its been a year since I first met you. You were just an itsy bitsy, tiny one.

I guess it is really true what they say, Love just gets bigger with you. I love you, my boy. I just love being your mommy. Happy birthday!

2013

I always look forward to the New Year Celebration. New Year means new beginnings.

I just feel extra energetic every time the end of the year looms by. Energetic and somewhat sad at the same time. Sad because I am a very sentimental person and I just love holding on to so many things even to time and memories. 2012 is my best yet--- simply because Hunter came into our lives and we will never be the same. 

But I also feel energetic as well. I have so many thing planned out for this year: for my family, my business and myself. I guess the best thing about getting older is you come to know yourself better, which in turn makes you more confident about your choices. 

Cheers to a great year that was and Cheers to another year of blessings and love. The best is yet to come. 

***

Been watching the ANC Special for Jesse Robredo. 

I really don’t have much choice because that’s all Paolo watch and talk about these days. 

Coming from a family who has been in the politics for such a long time, his father was part of the Liberal party, I think this really affected him.

But what I didn’t expect was how much it would affect me as well. I never felt so much regret and sadness for a politician’s passing, save of course with my father-in-law, Mayor Boy Yason’s.

Such great loss.

Sometimes when we are loss for words in coming up with an explanation or reason for a tragedy (as if there ever was a reason) we always say, “It’s God’s plan.”

Personally, I feel this time somehow, it really is.

Because this tragedy reminded us all what could be.

How much greatness our nation and us, as people are capable of.

It’s so amazing how much inspiration we derive from a tragedy, from a nation’s grief. It only goes to show us how ready we Filipinos are for a change. 

I’ve always been maternal, as my best friend attests.

In retrospect, yes I can say I am. Not just because I know how to take care of babies and kids...

But because I know how to make each child feel special. I think that is the most important thing.

I have two nieces who are only a year apart and I took care of Cheska more than I did of Yanca.
I love all my sisters with all my heart, though admittedly I am much closer to Cheska’s mommy, I make sure my nieces will never feel as if they aren’t loved equally because they are both special in different ways and I will not miss any of that for the world.
 I thoroughly enjoy being an aunt to all of my nieces and nephews.

My girls! Yanca in Orange and Cheska in a flower dress

I guess this stemmed out from how I felt growing up. I never felt as equally, say, cared for when I was younger by my paternal aunts. Maybe because of the age gap, my cousins were much older than I was or maybe because we grew up far from them.

 But I remember feeling as if I was an outsider visiting my aunts while my much older cousins see our same aunts as their parents as well.
I learned early on that one of the worse things you can do to a child is to make him feel you don't care for him because you favor someone else and I'm learning now that one of the worse things you can do to a parent is make her child feel left out. 

I do regret being not being as close to them. I thought when I was younger, preferences in the family is unavoidable. Maybe we weren’t just as loved the same way because they already have their “favorites.”

It is only now that I’m an adult and have a bigger family, I realized, Love doesn’t run out. Our hearts just get bigger.  

I only hope I can teach that to Hunter. I cannot shield him from feeling that way someday from people. There will be times he would feel rejected, or not as loved or accepted but as long as he is true to himself and know that he has a loving family, it is okay.
Yes, baby it is alright.

I like to think that when I became a mom, I became a better person. I’ve always thought I’ll be one of those mama bears who come rushing to their babies each little whimper but I’m not.

That is because I know in my heart he needs someday to face heartaches, rejections and failures to make him the person that he is supposed to be.

You are so loved, Hunter. Remember that. 
We do miss everyone back home, yes home is in Chicago and I'm sure they miss you too, big guy.

Monday Musings

When friends talk badly about other friends, the gossip usually comes around and back to the person you talked about …especially when you move in the same circle.

She who gossips to you will gossip about you.

Thanks, Therese!

You are such a good friend.
I got teary-eyed reading your letter and opening your gifts.

Those are the nicest gifts for me and Hunter but what really touches me is the fact that you remember to make us feel so special and loved in spite of your very busy schedule these days. You just got married and instead of making it all about you, you had to do this and made me feel so grateful to be your friend. I love you sweets!

I honestly don’t know what to write anymore.

Days ago, I have decided to start a new blogspot and change my blog’s name. Somehow, “isabelicious” doesn’t fit anymore now that I’m a mommy. I just thought my entries are so random and out of focus.

Weeks ago, I had an invitation from an online fashion community site in Singapore (that is just starting out) to guest as a “fashion blogger.” Really!? I find it funny since these days, I’m the least fashionable person that I know. =/ And even during my good days, my style can only be described as comfy and classic (read: boring). I've never had any outfit posts ever so I figured it might be for my jewelry collection and online shop (speaking of which, I really have to start my business blog soon!) since this is a personal blog, an online diary of some sorts and not an entertainment/lifestyle column.

Paolo talked me out of creating a new blogspot or changing my blog name because he said the evolution of my blog makes it special since it represents my growth. After all, I’m writing first and foremost for myself. Leaving my online home for the last four years will be a waste since the beauty of it all is reading my past entries and seeing how much I’ve changed and grown.

So “isabelicious” it is.