My birthday is coming up...

I enjoyed birthdays up until I was 21. After that, it comes and goes without much hoopla.

Since I'm the youngest girl and my birthday is during Summer, I always get the best celebrations. When I was little, My papa would order carts of Ice cream to give out in our farm in Roxas during vacations and I loved feeling like a star with my mini fiesta in our ricemill. I remember having a grand 7th birthday; a special last-digit birthday party in Manila on my 9th; celebration at the beach on my 10th; my surprise blow-out on my 13th and of course my grand debut celebration complete with gown changes, a ballroom and all the shebangs on my 18th.

Then, I got older.

For the last 5 years, I'm always in a bad mood during my birthdays. I don't know if its because I'm getting older or it's because I'm torn between celebrating it as I was used to or just letting it pass by without much hoopla since it falls on election day...all the time. There's enough hoopla as it is. I was disappointed with my recent birthdays before I got married. Maybe I'm used to having special ones, I always expect much more. My first birthday as a married woman last year was really nice and special and for the past days, I was anxious with planning a better one if not as exceptional as last year.

Then something happened two days ago and yesterday as well...nothing shakes you up more than an untimely death. I get so affected with the most random things and hearing sad news even from people I don't really know.
I've heard about two unexpected deaths in just two days; one is with a 21-year-old girl who stayed in our house eager to start a new job and one is from a family friend who had a stroke. He was just in our tenant's parlor a few days ago, asking about me, having his haircut. Who could have though he'll be gone after two days?

Death is a part of life, I was heartbroken last year when my grandpa passed away and I still miss him terribly. That made me realize how precious and short life is and it is so much a part of our lives. But things that happenned for the past two days made me realize how fragile it is as well. That although it is certain, it is also unpredictable. I guess the scary part about death is not that it is inevitable, that it is coming...but it is because you don't know when it will finally arrive.

...So with this birthday I'm not planning to have all the shebangs anymore yet I am more grateful, more appreciative than ever.
I realized with a tinge of embarrassment how trivial my trouble was, making my birthday plan such a big concern. I realized I expect too much from a day when I should be thankful for a whole year of getting older and wiser.

Birthday celebrations when you are younger make you look forward to better things, to growing up.
But I realized, birthdays as you get older are so much more special...because they make you thankful of the past, of growing up.
I promise I won't be like those who dread birthdays and who lie about their age.
I will own all my years and look forward to getting older...because it is indeed, a gift.